In honor of the tenth anniversary (or thereabouts) of the last time Jerry Seinfeld was funny (Don’t get so upset! He can take it. Have you seen “Bee Movie”? That needs to be sunk to the deepest chasm of the deepest ocean.) I have had a few thoughts recently that made me think “What’s the deal with…?”
What’s the deal with HGTV? My wife watches this crap ALL THE TIME. If you aren’t familiar, it is people buying houses, painting houses, mowing the lawn, doing dishes, landscaping, etc. Seriously? A whole channel about that stuff? I have a better idea: Jess can do all that stuff to our house and I can watch her! I mean, I can go outside and paint a wall and then watch the paint dry and that is this channel. If I want to see a house I can walk around mine and say, “That could use an update” or, “That thing there is ugly” or, “How long does it take to refinish a deck anyways?” But I don’t do that. One of the reasons is that I am really lazy. Along the same lines is, “What is the deal with NASCAR?” If I want to see cars, I will grab a lawn chair and sit in my lawn. Am I right?
What’s the deal with swine flu? I obviously have it, that is why I have stayed home from work recently. It makes me tired. Because of the swine flu (I still refuse to call it H1N1. Sorry America’s pork producers.) I went a world record of 59 hours between bathing. That is seriously disgusting. I also neglected to brush my teeth in that period of time. When I finally did, the toothpaste tasted like dill pickle brine for some reason. At least I am in good company of people who have contracted this deadly virus. Some other mega-famous people are: Harry Smith, Ron Weasley (pictured below),
and pop music star Jens Lekman. Here is his song “The Opposite of Hallelujah”
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I know what you mean, brother…
I am growing a swine flu beard until they all come home. I mean, until everyone gets cured. Actually, it is probably more accurate to say, maybe until everyone in my house is not sick anymore. (but maybe not, I don’t seem to be able to keep facial hair for very long.)
What is the deal with bad comedy being so popular? A lot of people I work with talk about how much they like “Two and a Half Men”. Seriously? I watched about five minutes of one episode and wanted to kill myself. It was all innuendo “jokes” of the lowest common denominator. I’m going to use the words of one of my favorite Amazon.com reviewers Robert M. Flynn “Farmer Ted” to help me out a little more. This is his review of the wonderful Illinois by Sufjan Stevens. My revisions are in green. Everything else – punctuation and spelling – are all “Farmer Ted”.
“What in tarnation is this? And who listens to watches this? Are you like rolling down the street with your windows down sitting in your living room. Yo check it. Sufjan Two and a Half Men…kicking it out. Heck no. I would be embarrased to have anyone see me and hear these sounds. It’s like…I don’t even know…like a bad production of Jesus Christ Super Star. ? the black death?
I can’t even beleive it. I feel like an idiot listneing to watching this garbage. Who rocks it like this.? Where do they find these people.
And there are like mad people dying in Africa and stuff…what would they think of you if they saw you listening to watching this…They would know that they are really going to die. Oh no. Look at those crazy Americans. We are dead for sure now. No way they are gonna help us, when they can’t even help themselves.
People.
Please.”
This show needs to be sent to the coldest least explored depth of outer space.
Also, Jeff Dunham. What? Who the hell is this guy and how did he trick everyone into liking him? He does ventriloquism with puppets.
Puppets.
This guy’s Christmas special last winter was the highest watched show in the history of Comedy Central??? He has his own show now which was the highest watched series debut in Comedy Central history?? I was going to do a rant about this guy a few weeks ago when I narrowly escaped having to see a ventriloquist. (“Sam” was the puppet’s name.) One of the websites I like to check out every day Videogum.com did an even better rant about this jerk than I could ever do. Read it here. (Watch out! Lots of not-polite language!) Jeff Dunham is the real reason the apocalypse is imminent, 2012.
I think I’ve alienated the most popular things in America. If you have been tricked into liking any of those things (especially swine flu) you need to seriously re-examine your life.
If none of this makes sense or is funny at all, it all came to be during a fever dream. I’m going to blame it on that.
I also dislike Jeff Dunham. Never seen Bee Movie. Don’t care about Two and a Half Men. Never had H1N1. HGTV is ok with me. I’m surprised you didn’t say anything about the worthlessness of American Idol or Dancing with the Stars.
Whats the deal with crossing things out on a blog called nothinggetscrossedout? hahahaha! Great blog Josh.
p.s. Everytime I’ve seen Jeff Dunham (maybe twice on commercials on Comedy Central) it doesn’t even look like he’s trying to do a good job of ventriloquism, I mean, aside from being not funny. F- for effort Jeff.
Probably my favorite Josh post ever. I think swine flu’s been good to you.
Hallelujah for someone saying it! I HATE Two and a Half Men. HATE
But love HGTV, sorry Josh.
Two and a Half Men is the worst…and FILTHY.
Um, I heart HGTV though.
This post cracked me up, Swine Flu made you funny :)
Sara – American Idol doesn’t bother me. I don’t care about that type of singing/music and it is easy to ignore. Good catch on Dancing with the Stars. It’s just people dancing, right? And whats with that crazy lady on the other dancing show? She is always screaming. I can think of about 12 million things right off the top of my head cooler than dancing and even the things I love do not inspire a screaming reaction like that crazy lady on that show (Mary something? I think it is So You Think You Can Dance?) Oh yeah, I only know this because of The Soup. I have never seen any dancing show. That needs to be perfectly clear.
HGTV is the best and I’ve justified it to you many times. Unlike watching most other shows, I’m actually learning useful things when I watch HGTV! You’ll thank me when we go to sell our house and I’ll have everything staged perfectly and we’ll receive top dollar! At least that’s my hope – we have a long way to go.
Anyway, Two and a Half Men and Jeff Dunham aren’t just unfunny to me, they make me sad. :(
Swine flu was a lot better to me than it was to you. I don’t even know if that’s what I had because all of our symptoms were a little different – except the nasty cough all of us had. Glad you’re feeling better, though, because you’re such a baby when you’re sick.
Two and a Half Men pisses me off. I know tons of people who watch it, too. What? Why? Know what else pissed me off? Jeff being featured on 30 Rock. COME ON! (Please hear “COME ON” in the voice of GOB while wearing his $10,000 suit.)
What IS the deal with Jerry Seinfeld these days? The jerkstore called and they’re running out of him! I actually watched “Bee Movie” and didn’t think it was bad. Not that it was good or memorable, I just didn’t have much of a reaction to it. “Two and a Half Men” and Jeff Dunham are so bad it hurts my insides. Lots of love for this one. Hope you are feeling better & sorry for the tardy comment. Call me!
Yes. I almost disappointed that I made a commitment to never acknowledge “Two and Half Men” so that I could fully appreciate the hatred displayed in this blog.
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