What’s the deal with…?

In honor of the tenth anniversary (or thereabouts) of the last time Jerry Seinfeld was funny (Don’t get so upset! He can take it. Have you seen “Bee Movie”? That needs to be sunk to the deepest chasm of the deepest ocean.) I have had a few thoughts recently that made me think “What’s the deal with…?”

What’s the deal with HGTV? My wife watches this crap ALL THE TIME. If you aren’t familiar, it is people buying houses, painting houses, mowing the lawn, doing dishes, landscaping, etc. Seriously? A whole channel about that stuff? I have a better idea: Jess can do all that stuff to our house and I can watch her! I mean, I can go outside and paint a wall and then watch the paint dry and that is this channel. If I want to see a house I can walk around mine and say, “That could use an update” or, “That thing there is ugly” or, “How long does it take to refinish a deck anyways?” But I don’t do that. One of the reasons is that I am really lazy. Along the same lines is, “What is the deal with NASCAR?” If I want to see cars, I will grab a lawn chair and sit in my lawn. Am I right?

What’s the deal with swine flu? I obviously have it, that is why I have stayed home from work recently. It makes me tired. Because of the swine flu (I still refuse to call it H1N1. Sorry America’s pork producers.) I went a world record of 59 hours between bathing. That is seriously disgusting. I also neglected to brush my teeth in that period of time. When I finally did, the toothpaste tasted like dill pickle brine for some reason. At least I am in good company of people who have contracted this deadly virus. Some other mega-famous people are: Harry Smith, Ron Weasley (pictured below),

and pop music star Jens Lekman. Here is his song “The Opposite of Hallelujah”

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I know what you mean, brother…

I am growing a swine flu beard until they all come home. I mean, until everyone gets cured. Actually, it is probably more accurate to say, maybe until everyone in my house is not sick anymore. (but maybe not, I don’t seem to be able to keep facial hair for very long.)

What is the deal with bad comedy being so popular? A lot of people I work with talk about how much they like “Two and a Half Men”. Seriously? I watched about five minutes of one episode and wanted to kill myself. It was all innuendo “jokes” of the lowest common denominator. I’m going to use the words of one of my favorite Amazon.com reviewers Robert M. Flynn “Farmer Ted” to help me out a little more. This is his review of the wonderful Illinois by Sufjan Stevens. My revisions are in green. Everything else – punctuation and spelling – are all “Farmer Ted”.

“What in tarnation is this? And who listens to watches this? Are you like rolling down the street with your windows down sitting in your living room. Yo check it. Sufjan Two and a Half Men…kicking it out. Heck no. I would be embarrased to have anyone see me and hear these sounds. It’s like…I don’t even know…like a bad production of Jesus Christ Super Star. ?  the black death?
I can’t even beleive it. I feel like an idiot listneing to watching this garbage. Who rocks it like this.? Where do they find these people.
And there are like mad people dying in Africa and stuff…what would they think of you if they saw you listening to watching this…They would know that they are really going to die. Oh no. Look at those crazy Americans. We are dead for sure now. No way they are gonna help us, when they can’t even help themselves.
People.
Please.”

This show needs to be sent to the coldest least explored depth of outer space.

Also, Jeff Dunham. What? Who the hell is this guy and how did he trick everyone into liking him? He does ventriloquism with puppets.

Puppets.

This guy’s Christmas special last winter was the highest watched show in the history of Comedy Central??? He has his own show now which was the highest watched series debut in Comedy Central history?? I was going to do a rant about this guy a few weeks ago when I narrowly escaped having to see a ventriloquist. (“Sam” was the puppet’s name.) One of the websites I like to check out every day Videogum.com did an even better rant about this jerk than I could ever do. Read it here. (Watch out! Lots of not-polite language!) Jeff Dunham is the real reason the apocalypse is imminent, 2012.

I think I’ve alienated the most popular things in America. If you have been tricked into liking any of those things (especially swine flu) you need to seriously re-examine your life.

If none of this makes sense or is funny at all, it all came to be during a fever dream. I’m going to blame it on that.