I really like drinking things. I like drinking things so much that I do it every day. So when I get thirsty or bored what do I reach for to quench my thirst/boredom? Sometimes (but not always) Kool-Aid!
And “stupid” Kraft Foods are ruining my enjoyment of this beloved sweet nectar.
I have been drinking Kool-Aid as long as I can remember. It is the best – but not as good as it used to be since Kraft has a habit of killing off the best flavors. Let’s go through the rundown:
Sharkleberry Fin – discontinued
Great Bluedini – discontinued
Oh Yeah! Orange-Pineapple – discontinued
Incrediberry – discontinued
Kickin’ Kiwi Lime – discontinued
Pink Swimmingo (known towards the end of its all too brief life as Watermelon Cherry) – discontinued
And of course, the flavor to end all flavors, the flavor I dream I am about to luxuriously bathe my taste buds in before I wake up in a cold sweat gently sobbing because it is not real – the one, the only: Purplesaurus Rex.
…discontinued.
I would say that this ridiculous trend must stop, but the damage has already been done. Won’t someone think of the children (and 27 year old tall, socially awkward, childish “adults”)? All the classic, non-essential flavors all still around: Cherry? Check. Black Cherry? Check. Strawberry? Check. Some of the essential delicious flavors are still available: Tropical Punch. Grape. Lemonade. Pink Lemonade. Orange (even though it is not allowed in the house. My wife hates Orange Kool-Aid, even though she rarely partakes in any flavor.) Some of the newer delicious flavors are still around (but for how long?): Soarin’ Strawberry Lemonade. Berry Blue.
Don’t even get me started on the “Invisibles” line. There are not enough swear words in the English language to describe how I feel about these putrid abominations. It makes me even angrier to see them take up valuable shelf space that could be used for Purplesaurus Rex. Space that should be used for good is instead spreading pure, unadulterated evil.
…
I needed just a moment to wistfully remember the “good ol’ days”. Days when Purplesaurus Rex flowed like wine from the gods.
Okay, moving on to something else gone too soon, I would like to pay my respects to the long-gone (but not forgotten!) Superhero Burger from McDonalds. I knew that it had been gone a long time since I had last tasted one and thanks to Google, I now know that I have been mourning this triumph of mankind for fourteen years. Fourteen. Over half of my life. It has been the yardstick for every cheeseburger I have ever eaten. And every other burger has fallen short. Take a look:
TWO kinds of cheese! THREE hamburgers! A Superhero(?) bun!
I only had two of these apex of culinary magnificancies before they were taken away from me. Not only were they a tie-in (inexplicably) to the movie Batman Forever (hence the name), they were also a selection in the short-lived “Taste of the Month Club”. Some genius decided that they would only unleash this behemoth of deliciousness on the world for 30 days. Sometime around early 2001 I sent an email to McDonald’s respectfully asking, nay, begging them to bring back the Superhero Burger. It need not be called the Superhero Burger if they didn’t want, for it was not the name, but the TASTE that I had been desiring those long 6 years. But alas, it was not to be. I got an e-mail from customer service thanking me for the interest in the company but there were no plans to return the Superhero Burger to the menu.
It’s not fair.
RIP Superhero Burger, I will see you in Heaven.
In conclusion, Kool-Aid Man and Ray Kroc – I know you are both reading this. You both need to do the right thing and bring back these wonderful things that make my tongue so happy. I will wait patiently. Your move.
Readers, feel free to sign my petition:
Petition
1. Josh Zeigler
2. Tyler Forret (Purplesaurus Rex is the best ever, Kool-Aid Man)
I can relate to your frustration. I miss Ecto Cooler. And Great Bluedini was awesome. IT CHANGES COLORS!
Also, Val Kilmer Batman says, “I’ll get drive through”. That’s funny.
Let me see who I have to talk to to get those flavors back on the shelves.
3. Travis French
Hey Josh, good luck with your petition. I tried a petition last year to get Fox Sports to remove the football playing robot from NFL broadcasts. Needless to say, I failed at my personal attempt to destroy something but hope you find success at your attempts to create. Nice AC reference.
Thanks for the support, guys.
AARON!, I remember Ecto Cooler, but I drank more of it in Hi-C form.
Tyler, I bet Val is longing for the days he could say he was getting drive-thru and someone would pay him for it!
Emily, you talk to anyone and eveyone about this issue. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a world without P. Rex.
Travis, there is/was no excuse whatsoever for those robots.
We’re storming Washington with four signatures! Look out!
What your old aunt won’t do to make Josh happy! – Found this online on my lunch break:
In my many experiences with K-A, I have found mixes that taste like
some of the discontinued flavors.
Purplesaurus Rex: Olanin (fskml@aurora.alaska.edu)
1.5 scoops Grape
2.5 scoops Lemonade
Sunshine Punch: Olanin (fskml@aurora.alaska.edu)
2 Scoops Orange
2 Scoops Lemonade
Sharkleberry Fin: Donovan (donovan@misslink.net)
1/2 tsp of Lemonade(unsweetened)
1/2 tsp of Orange(unsweetened)
1/2 tsp of Strawberry(unsweetened)
1 Cup of sugar(use the full cup of sugar on this, or it will be tart)
1/2 gallon of water as usual
Scary Blackberry(?): (Michael S. Cooper )
Just a note to let you all know I mixed up my own Scary Blackberry
tonight, just a little different than the recipe given by Kraft.
I actually mixed grape, cherry, and tropical punch and three (3!) cups
of sugar together in a three quart pitcher (That’s double-strength,
guys!) and then diluted it accordingly into my storage pitchers.
For the record, I can’t say it tastes exactly like Scary Blackberry,
because I’ve never had any. We don’t seem to get it down here in Dallas,
or Texas for that matter. I will say that it tastes *exactly* like a mix
of those three flavors, with the tropical punch flavor being most
dominant. The color, however, is a great Halloween blood reddish-purple.
Cheap Imitations of lost flavors:
There are also cheap imitations of lost Kool-Aid Flavors still
available on the market. Susan Hoover (71061.2052@CompuServe.COM)
Drink Aid (an American imitationsof Kool-Aid) has the following flavors
which approximate discontinued flavors:
Kangablue Brew – this is Great Bluedini in disguise; it even
starts out green and changes to blue
Purple Mania – this is a grape / lemonade mix; Its their version of
Purplesaurus Rex?
Boppin’ Redbird – god knows; this is a red drink that tastes
kind of like raspberry-cherry-fruit punch (Rock-a-dile Red)
Uh, wow. Looks like I will be buying the premixed canisters for a while. Thanks, Kath.
josh, i am glad to know i am not the only 20 something that enjoys kool-aid! you can always find kool-aid in our fridge. that being said, i am sorry to hear of your obvious mourning of those flavors kraft has deemed “has beens”.
jessie, what’s your beef with orange kool-aid?
It reminds me of “orange drink” served at vacation bible school my whole life – yuck. It’s probably all in my head, but for some reason I just don’t like orange flavor without carbonation. I have no problem with Sunkist or other orange sodas. Also, McDonald’s used to serve (maybe still do?) an orange drink that wasn’t carbonated. Ewww.
Um, that orange drink at bible school was one of (if not thee best) thing about bible school. In fact, I still get that drink at McDonald’s because I liked it so much.
It’s, like, too thick or something. Too syrupy not to have bubbles.
Jessie is weird. She has a hard time drinking most flavored drinks if they are not carbonated.
Tattle tail! At least I can pour 2% milk on my cereal and drink the rest when my cereal is gone. That’s right, people, Josh has to have chocolate milk on his cereal and has to dump the rest when the cereal is gone. Who’s weird?!
Hey gang,
The mystery orange drink at McDonalds is just Hi-C Orange.
Thanks, Travis. Call it what you want: it’s still terrible! :) Am I wrong here?