I hope you’ll help me out today.
I want to tackle an issue and that all of us moms have had to face. To work or to stay at home with children. Yes, it’s a big one.
If any of you are moms, I’d like your stories. If you hope to be a mom someday, what are your plans? If you are a man, do you have any strong opinions about this topic?
I’m sure we all have friends on both sides. I have close friends who stay at home with their children. I have close friends who stay at home and also work part-time. I have close friends who work full-time but don’t want to. I have close friends who prefer to work full-time.
I was recently asked by a friend who is expecting for the first time what my thoughts were about staying at home. I’ve been thinking about it for two days now. It’s literally been stuck in my head and I don’t know why. It’s not like I have to make any life altering decisions now. I’m trying to imagine what it would have been like if I did work full time and I can not do it. My life wouldn’t have just been a little different, it would have been unrecognizable to the life I’m leading now.
We all have stories. We all have life experiences that have brought each one of us to where we are now. What is your story? What was the deciding factor, how did you make this important decision? Did you start out with one decision and then change your mind?
I hope you get my title. I think we all can agree that either choice includes both work and sacrifice. Please leave a comment. I’ll share my thoughts on the subject in another post.
Well I have recently had my own struggle over this issue. I had been working full time before Abbie was born in September, but planned to quit that position after she was born. My husband supports that decision. The decision was harder than I thought when it came down to actually having my last day working there. I always had pictured myself staying home with my kids, but it was like I was leaving a family at my job. I knew it was the right thing to do for me though. I was able to stay on at my job on an as needed basis, where I can say yes or no when asked to work. For 3 months I said no to every opportunity to work because I just wanted to stay home with Abbie. After that I worked a couple evenings to help some people out, but that left me feeling extra tired and sort of guilty and sad for leaving Abbie (even though she was taken good care of by her Daddy). I again didn’t work for another month because it seemed like more work than it was worth to get Abbie all ready to go and figure out a sitter till Cole got done working for me to go to work for a few hours.
In the last week I have changed my thinking though on what is best for our family regarding me working. I discovered that my thinking regarding not going to work at all was sort of selfish in nature when it would be even a small help to our family financially.I was focused on how it is more work for me to figure out everything in preparation for me to go to work, but its not some crazy feat I have discovered. It just takes a little more organization and work to get it all set. Having to get organized for work has actually helped me get more done and helped me use my time at home more wisely. So for now I have committed to an evening a week for the next few weeks and also 2 Saturdays and 1 Sunday. I sort of dread going to work and having to leave Cole and Abbie, but now that I realize it will take a little of the financial burden off of us monthly, it gives me motivation to go to work. My opinion may change again sometime, but for now I am going to work when I can when Cole can be home taking care of Abbie. This also gives Daddy a special time with his baby girl which he really enjoys
I always thought that I would continue working when I had kids but when I got pregnant with Ian it hit me that I didn’t want anyone else raising my kids for me. It was a strong call from God to stay home with my son. For financial purposes I had to stay on at work two days a week after he was born. Dylan took him to work with him during that time since we couldn’t afford childcare. As soon as we knew we were moving to WA I quit and have been staying home full time for a year and a half. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the entire world. I LOVE staying home and doing anything else would be wrong for me since this is God’s will for me right now. I told Dylan I’ll probably never get a job because there’s so much to be done in the way of volunteering!
Oooh hot button topic on Nothing Gets Crossed Out today. Love it. Please hold while I climb atop my soapbox. OK, Jessie, you know me. You know how much I love my kids. But it is not in my wiring to be a stay at home mom. It just isn’t. For a long time I felt really guilty about that, like maybe I wasn’t a good mom because I felt that way. Well, that in addition to the heaps of guilt that some members of society lay on us working moms at times. But in time and a little 13 week stay at home mom trial run after Ryder was born I’ve come to the realization that I’m a BETTER mom for working than I would be if I stayed at home. Really. Now this is probably one of my many oddities, but I find that by balancing my family AND my work I’ve become more organized, appreciate the time with my kids more, and am able to demonstrate to my kids the art of doing something you love while being totally there for them. We’ve been very fortunate to have always had the same daycare provider who was and is still one of my very good friends, who also happens to be a Christian woman, and who was not the least bit bothered when I called 14 times a day to check on my kids or just to talk to them because I missed them. I never feel like I missed a thing, somehow I always got to witness their first steps, first words, all those important things. Or maybe they did them first at daycare but she never burst my bubble by telling me that, they were their firsts to us and that’s all that matters. As for someone else raising our kids, I don’t feel that at all. I feel like we set the foundations at home and they were reinforced at daycare while also affording them opportunities to experience things and people they wouldn’t have been able to experience if they’d been home with me. It’s also made a difference that I have a great job that I love, and that both Justin and I have a tremendous amount of flexibility in our jobs so that one of us are still able to do the class parties and the doctor’s appointments and stay home if their sick, some of the perks of being a stay at home mom.
Moral of the story is that each family dynamic is different and what works for one family may not work for another. Daycare providers, finances, and Mom’s outside job also are huge factors. I give props to those who do stay at home because I realize it’s a tough gig but I also give props to us working moms because it’s no cake walk either. But here’s the kicker, WE SHOULD ALL RESPECT EACH OTHER’S DECISIONS. Working moms, we shouldn’t look down on stay at home moms for choosing to stay at home with their babies and act like all they do is eat bon bons and watch soaps all day (as if, right SAHMs?) and stay at home moms you shouldn’t judge us working moms for our decision to do what’s right for our family and make comments like, “Oh it’s too bad you have to work”, or my personal favorite, “Are you going to be able to take some time off from WORK to actually spend with your children during spring break?” (Ummm true story..Jesus, take the wheel). That’s the hardest part no matter which camp you’re in, is feeling confident in your decision and not continually second guessing yourself.
And now that I’ve basically written a novel, I’ll step down off my soapbox.
P.S. Jessie, you are among my top 2 favorite stay at home moms. FYI. I like your style. :)
I love my friends… just sayin’. Please continue, ladies and gents… this is great!
Well…I agree that you gotta do what you gotta do. I have known since I was a wee teen that I wanted to stay at home when I had babies. I have never, even while sitting in my thousand dollar college courses, thought I was going to work full time once I had kids. I have a billion reasons why I stay home, and I have never second guessed my decision.
That being said, I do get a lot of slack for doing what I do. My parents believe my family would be better off financially if I worked. My sister in law would rather shoot herself in the foot than be home with her kids. She even sends them to day care in the summer when she isn’t teaching. My mother in law had a full time career, too. I even feel uncomfortable asking her for help during the day now that she is retired. Don’t get me wrong, she is GREAT and would never say no if she were available…it is just different, ya know?
Full-time Mama is a much tougher title than I ever thought it would be. I never made the connection before I had kids that this occupation comes with no down time. Sure I might get a minute or two in the bathroom every other day, but now that Judah is off naps, I am listening to non-stop jibber jabber for twelve hours straight EVERY day. I often envy the thirty minutes a day Will gets in the car as he drives to and from work…and the lunch he gets to take…and the adults he gets to talk to…
I taught 2 days a week for 3 years after we were married. I quit when we had our first child. Being a farm wife I was working AT HOME when I did anything with my husband but enjoyed most of it!! Financially there should be some big evaluations. Your income goes up and taxes do too. What do you pay for clothing, child care, fast food meals, gas, etc.? A friend of mine said she was working for $1.50 per hour when she figured it all out. She has three kids. When our third child was one yr old I started working part time about 6 hours a week at school and could do some of the work at home. I love part time positions. But when our kids were young and I didn’t work away from home I knew I had to have “hobbies”. I learn to sew, bake,make scrap books,garden,can and freeze food, do yard work and volunteer. If I didn’t have those for some variety in life I would have been very discontented at home. Right now all the kids are out of the house. I still am glad I don’t work full time mainly because of all the volunteer hours I can do. I love helping at church, at school, and for the Republican party. I can spend 3 hours a week at Bible Study. As a last bit of advice….if you work full time hire your house work done and even yard work. Eat out! Survival is important!!
Yesterday as I left for my part time job at school Mark asked if I was going to be home.
Forgot to finish my sentence at the end of my reply.
Yesterday as I was leaving for school Mark asked if I was going to be home. He needed some help with book work. I told him I could help him today instead. That is the one big reason I would hate to work full time. You have a lot more time for family and friends!
I don’t normally like to post and am kind of shy about putting my feelings out for all to see, but this is a subject I’ve gone over and over in my mind for the last 25 years since I became a parent. This is spoken from a “been there/done that” perspective.
I worked part-time after my first 2 kids were born and thought I had an offer I couldn’t refuse and started working fulltime when our middle child was probably 2 or 3. I don’t have many regrets in my life, but this would be one of them. I’m not criticizing anyone who makes the choice to work, but I know I spent years feeling guilty for paying someone else to do the things I feel I should have been doing with my kids. Had we made the decision for me not to work as much, I know things would have been tough, but like all situations, you learn to adapt and do what you have to do. Part-time employment would have been a good solution, but we were different people then and didn’t want to get by without a lot of the things the extra income provided.
A lot of my regret is because I know I missed opportunities for teaching and lots of interactions with my children. Some of the regret is simply my own feelings of not experiencing all I could with them. I was blessed with a wonderful daycare provider, jobs I really enjoyed, and flexible employers, and my children have turned into wonderful adults. They treasure their memories of their sitter, and sometimes I wonder what they would be like had I been with them all the time–and it may not have been pretty :). Since we both worked full-time, we made sure to spend all the time we could with our children when we were home, and for those people who choose or need to work full time, I would say that is key. You can’t waste what precious time you have with your kids (whether you work outside the home or not) stressing out because the house is untidy or meals aren’t like what you see on the Food Network. Kids don’t care about that stuff. Now that I’m an empty nester, I have all the time in the world for cleaning my house, church activities, time out with the girls, and doing all the stuff I wasn’t able to do earlier, and it’s been quite an adjustment. I also really miss my kids and sometimes wish I could go back for just one day to the chair being pulled up behind me to “help” as I stand at the kitchen counter or endless questions and noise. “Enjoy it while it lasts” may not always be what you want to hear right now, but they really only are young once.
I really admire all you gals who make the decision to stay home, and I don’t believe you will regret it. On the other hand, an unhappy mom who wants to be working and isn’t will not be doing her kids any favors either.
Janet- I’m glad you posted! I, too, want to comment on the income situation…I didn’t do that before!
I’m not ashamed to say that Will and I really do struggle financially because I stay at home. We have three kids, with two still in diapers. We don’t get to go on trips to Cabo or skiing weekends with our friends. Sometimes our fridge empties pretty quickly before the next paycheck comes in. We don’t get to eat out regularly or buy every fun item we can think of. Every once in a while, a bill goes unpaid. I understand why some people think I should be working. But no matter how much we miss out on or have to sacrifice, I would not trade the luxuries of “having stuff” for staying home. I really am content to have less if it means staying home. For me, “having less” is subjective :)
Feeling really outnumbered. I knew I was weird but was really hoping there was at least one other in the working mom camp. Ouch. :)
Yeah, PP, I don’t know where my other working mom friends are! I thought for sure you’d get some company on your team. I’m working on my story presently. Stay tuned!
when i went to special olympics this year i had in my room three special needs kids. one profoundly low functioning. one was a thrown away by his mother and the last had the dual problem of behavorial problems and mental retardation. all three were the direct result of there mothers using drugs while pregnant. crazy isn’t it. It amazes me how many throw away kids there are right here in my own small home area. if you love your kids, love every hair on their heads,and make sure they know it, it will all work out. whether you work outside the home or not